It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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