6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
