He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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