Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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