I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
