my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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