Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
