How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
