I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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