The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
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I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
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Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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