I accidentally burped into my bong.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
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