Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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