He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
