my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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