dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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