I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
