I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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