Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
