I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
