so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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