Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
