i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
