is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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