She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
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We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
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How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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