Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
