I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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