Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
