i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
