Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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