Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
