Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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