Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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