new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i will never coherently bang her
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
