My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
