Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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