He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
