i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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