i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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