so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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