The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
