Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm like, not good at living.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
A bitchslap is in order.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
