I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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