I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
