; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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