There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country