youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.