don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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