you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
