already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
