he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
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i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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