He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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