Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
